↑renovatio06's blog

Beach

I am currently travelling on business. I am in Binz on Ruegen, which is a famed health resort with quite some history. After having travelled to this place an entire day on an empty stomach, then meeting with the hotel director of a newly opened resort, I finally got to go for dinner at around 10 p.m. On the walk back to the hotel, it came to me like a tropical storm: I have been wasting most of my life on hanging around wanna-be's (not so much the past 3-5 years, but before that time). I have settled for their standards and failed to challenge myself according to MY standards or let's say: Standards I admire. This relates in large to my professional life and the fact that I have been going after things, which are NOT me, but someone else's dreams (now, who could THAT be?). In trying to please them, I totally - TOTALLY - denied me my own, genuine goals and life to begin with. I know, I sound dramatic and I couldn't blame anyone, if they didn't believe me. But in a nutshell: The first half of my life is a total waste - ALL of it, ALL OF IT! I have made a mockery of myself, betrayed myself and bottomline: Wasted my talents and energy on chasing ghosts. This is a devastating finding and I am getting all the more nervous over some new prospects, which I hope to be a lot closer to the REAL me - whoever that is, but which also will require a far greater effort than I've fooled myself into thinking so far. Actually.... I don't know myself at all and I've just begun to get a rough sense of who that could be. And in that context, I'm beginning to sense that making one's dreams come true requires dedication, perseverance and - luck!

I might not be making too much sense, but I am basically panicking over the finding that NONE of what I've been doing and living so far has ANYTHING to do with who I really I am, what I really need, feel, admire, strive for... you name it. Oh boy... In other words: Back to square one - at an age, when square 1 isn't really an option any more...

On the brighter and lighter side of things: I am hoping to be posting some pics of this place, which is a lovely one, if I didn't have to work ;-) And something else: I'm just now beginning to really see AND feel that all you guys out there visiting me are also for real - and believe it or not, before that, there was only one or two persons, I have had the pleasure to experience that with yet. So... this is good, but scary at the same time...