renovatio06's blog ^pro

I swear, I haven't laughed this hard in quite some time: I rented a movie today, which - going by the title - sounded like just another romantic comedy. But... it's written, directed and produced by Julie Delpy, a French atrice, who currently lives in Los Angeles. So.. it's loaded with funny twists of the different mentalities in the States and France.

Check out the trailer - it gets so gross at times, you can't help but laugh (well, at least I think so ;-)):

Found this on YouTube the other day - hilarious! The words read:

- cow

- jackass

- witch

- dork

- whore

- quiet!

Unfortunately, the joke works better in German, as the last two words are made of the same characters, just different sequence. But I still find the idea funny enough, how they form words with those characters made from pasta ;-)

Enjoy:

Tried a new variation today. Ingredients:

- Salmon, about 7 ounces (200 grams)

- Thai Rice Noodles

- Handcut Fries from Spring Potatoes

- Yellow Squash

- Optional: Yellow Bell Pepper

- Ground Black Pepper

- Ground Sea Salt

- Thai Curry Relish

- Virgine Olive Oil

- Virgine Coconut Juice (13.5 ounces, 400 ml or more)

Spread the olive oil on a coated pan and put it on high temperature. Meanwhile, cut the potatoes in halves (longitudinally), cut again sideways, after that slice them thinly. Disperse spices (black pepper, sea salt) over them. In the meantime, have a bowl of water boil. Put the potatoes in the frying pan, put Thai Noodles in the boiling pot for no more than three minutes. Continue with slicing the yellow squash thinly. Spread black pepper and some salt (not too much of each) over it. When the fries are of a bronze color, add squash. Chill the noodles and put the cap on top of it, so they won't cool too fast. Roast the squash for a little while and in the meantime, slice salmon in stripes, about half an inch each (1 cm). Slide sideways once. Add to the frying pan. Fry all that at high temperature for no longer than a minute. Open a can of virgine coconut juice and add. Add about one or two teaspoons of Thai Curry and stir well with the rest.

At your preference, grind a little bit more of black pepper and sea salt (careful though! The salmon is pretty salty, Thai Curry is spicy, too - we don't want it to be too salty). Have it all simmer for another minute or two at medium temperature. Add some of the rice noodles and simmer another minute at most.

Cut the heat, open a bottle of dry white wine, get set, put a movie on and - enjoy! :-P

I need to talk about stalking today. wikipedia says this about stalking:

"Stalking is the obsessive following, observing, or contacting of another person, or the obsessive attempt to engage in any of these activities. This includes following the person to certain places, to see where they live or what the person does on a daily basis, it also includes seeking and obtaining the person's personal information in order to contact him or her; e.g. looking for his or her details on computers, electoral rolls, personal files and other material containing the person's private information without his or her consent."

They continue to say this: "Stalking exists in many forms. [...]. Stalkers may even have a sincere but misguided belief that their victims love them, or have a desire to help the victims. Stalking consists of a series of actions which in themselves can be legal, such as calling on the phone, sending gifts, or sending emails.

Stalkers will often denigrate and objectify their victims. This can help stalkers to abuse their victims without experiencing empathy, and may reflect or fuel a belief that they are entitled to behave as they please toward the victims. Viewing victims as "lesser," "weak" or otherwise seriously flawed can support delusions that the victims need to be rescued, or punished, by the stalkers. Stalkers may slander or defame the character of their victims which may isolate the victims and give the stalkers more control or a feeling of power.

Stalkers may use manipulative behavior such as bringing legal action against their victims. They may also attempt to diagnose victims with false mental illnesses. Stalkers may even threaten to commit suicide in order to coerce victims to intervene - all methods of forcing victims to have contact with the stalkers."

Further down, wikipedia leaves no doubt as to the effects of such restraining behaviour on the victims of stalking. I can't even chuckle at that exhaustive list any more, as I have been suffering from ALL of these effects - for most of my life to this very day.

Since I have isolated the most likely source of my being stalked as my own family, I am now implementing a list of actions, hoping to reduce the degree of outcomes of this abusive behaviour. However, it is almost impossible to escape that, as I still have a phone, address, e-mail etc.

One of those measures will have to be to refrain from posting any more publicly visible entries here. I made the mistake of posting last night's entry as public, and retribution in form of an unsolicited phone call with suppressed caller ID follows in its footsteps. For those of you, who'd like to be able to read this blog in the future, I suggest you send me ipermail requesting to be promoted from contacts to something above that. I will have to see, whether that works better. If not, I might have to stop posting entirely.

Sorry for the inconvenience, but the situation is really as serious as it sounds.

update: There is a small possibility, I'm wrong THIS time about it - but it has happened before, so I don't feel all too remorseful.

Awwwww... how I love those mild summer nights! I am so grateful for the place I live in! On nights like this, where we still had 68F/20 Celsius at midnight, I like to step out on the terrace, prefererrably just wearing underwear, sometimes my bathrobe, and look into the nightsky with its gazillions of bright stars, sometimes complemented by the moon. Tonight is such a night: It's incredibly warm, I just returned from the open-air cinema, where I met a friend and we watched No country for old men together. I stand there, it's all quiet, there is a soft summer breeze, there is just the faintest hush of the highway in the distance, other than that it's perfectly quiet. I rest, I breathe, slowly, consciously and marvel at the shere immensity of the universe above and around me. Could it only stay summer year round - I'd have nothing to ever complain about...

But then, there are still those other moments, when I feel unworthy, small, intimidated, insignificant. And there's rage, incredible amounts of rage, rage that scares the shit out of myself. If the proverbial fairy offered me a wish, I'd know it right away: Peace, nothing but peace... give me that, and I'll be fine. Alas - with a little more luck, I might even find that. It's all about the homecoming, and I am sensing it to be close - in one or the other way.

I've been flattering myself into thinking, I was quick to grasp things. I now have to admit to myself (and all of you reading) that I'm not - I'm naive... still. Hard to believe, but unfortunately, it seems to be a fact. In the current case, we're talking about business expressions. For all of you, who aren't exposed to business speak, here's a little vocabulary help. Let me give you five introductory examples - (a) will be the expression used, b) what's actually meant by it:

1 a. "Can I call you back?"

1 b. "Get lost, will ya? And don't come bothering me again - ever!"

2 a. "What can I do for you?"

2 b. "You're already getting on my nerves - you think, I'm much inclined to hear you asking a favor of me?"

3 a. "This will take no more than a minute."

3 b. "Unless they don't invent everlasting youth and eternal life in the body, don't bother waiting on this to happen."

4 a. "It's my pleasure!"

4 b. "I'd like to feed your guts to my overweighed cat and throw the vomit she'll produce into the fish tank."

5 a. "Will you be here another minute?"

5 b. "You don't get, when you're no longer welcome, don't you? Just fuck of, o.k.?"

I was used to similar expressions in the music scene, and they go something like this:

1 a. "Hey, can I call you?"

1 b. "I'll never bother to keep your phone number, let alone give you a call."

2 a. "Can we do something together?"

2 b. "I'd rather build me a spaceship and fly to the moon than sit in together with you."

3 a. "Ey man - great solo!"

3 b. "My grandmother - God have mercy on her poor soul - just turned in her grave hearing the sad crap you're playing on your instrument - don't you have a heart for people?"

This just to get you started. I'm sure, you're smarter than me - you'll figure out the rest. Happy translating!

P.S.: From now on... anyone who treats me like I was stupid and didn't know above... boy, you wish you'd be stucked in a pile of shit face first instead, when I'm done with you...

I'm hoping, it will fall shut completely and stay closed for good. The good news: Other doors have opened instead. I'm hoping for those to open as widely as a horseback riding ranche's gate.

Just how could this guy escape me?

routeledge cover

So, it's a deal now: The publishing company, who contacted me, have licensed my image for an upcoming title of their list of books. We'll be signing an agreement and the deal will be formalized that way. I feel like I should celebrate this a little - oh, well... maybe having my third tequila-flavoured beer tonight may count as a little celebration? ;-)

Tubicle...

Always nice to be appreciated and I am beginning to warm up to that experience. Today, I had to take a severe blow to my confidence and courage in terms of my current tight life situation. In fact, the latest turn of events was apt to toss me back into a vegetative-like state of panic and shock - but luckily didn't.

So, it felt all the nicer to find another permission request for usage of one of my images (the one to the left) in my e-mail inbox. It turns out, the Editorial assistant at Routledge Francis & Taylor Group, in particular the philosophy section of the publishing house, is asking permission to use this image as cover illustration for an upcoming book. AND - they are offering compensation. So... this is nice and I don't see any reason to decline that.

On a different note, I was most impressed with the cover story in Spiegel 27/2008, titled s.th. like "The Initial Moment" (rough translation of the German title "Die Sekunde Null") and reporting on the Atlas at CERN, an experiment and part of what is going to be the fastest and biggest particle accelerator of all time, the Large Hadron Collider at Cern. It will do no less than emulate the beginning of the universe and emulate conditions at the "time" of the Big Bang. Initiation of the project is being met with much criticism, as scientists basically can't really say, what's going to happen as soon as they have reached the full amount and speed of particles needed to induce 'controlled' clashes of particles, which then will produce an amount of energy that is likely to produce effects and other particles, which are known as the missing links of the most popular universe theories so far. To put it simply: The collective of no less than 2,700 scientists at CERN create the required conditions and "ingredients" for an event, which they hope to come as close as possible to the real Big Bang. B.t.w. - have I mentioned that CERN invented the World Wide Web, the very same media many of us are using on a near daily basis? But this experiment is so gigantic, so unpredictable in its outcomes and their effects on all universe theories that even the team and board members as well as celebrity bystanders can't help to be in awe (or so says the article).

To me, this means that many ideas being presented in Stanislav Lem's science fiction books, which I loved reading at age 16 and then passionately discussing with my physics teacher, are on the verge of becoming a part of our reality - or will they redefine that very reality by allowing us a true and unmistakable look all the way down the rabbithole? I wish I could be a part of the that experiment or at least be there, when they initiate the project...

Unfortunately, I wasn't aware of this dude (George Carlin) and last night, I almost succeeded in waking up the neighbourhood from laughing so hard over his jokes - brilliant!

Today, I happen to flip the German comedy channel called Comedy Central (sounds German alright, doesn't it? :) ) and I'm cracking up over him! This dude fucking kills! Finally having the guts of speaking out over the fundamentalist suicide bombers, who are retarded enough to believe in being rewarded with 72 virgins upon entering heaven (which makes their "religion" a mockery in the first place) and making Allah the waiter of the real God, who in truth (in his stand-up program) is another Dutch-German comedian - aaaahhhhhaaaa, I'm almost peeing my pants over this! :D

I'm thinking: I oughta become a comedian, hee-hee! That's the only way, you can afford to have a serial-killer's mind and get away with it - cuz you kill by laughter and as far as I know, there's no law against THAT, isn't there?

Still giggling over this guy... : "At some point, I meant to join the Al-Queda, but my chances were pretty dim, cuz I haven't got a pilot's license..." AAAHHHHHH !!!!!! :DD:D:D:D:D Kudos to the guy, he's just awesome!

Light-emitting Grove

For the longest time now, I've been settling for mediocrity: On the job, in my personal life, even in areas, where passion should be the predominant quality. In order to escape the boredom that comes with anything being mediocre, I've always believed in intensifying any given feeling by adding something else of a similar feel to it. Here's an example: During the post-surgery days, I'd watch dramatic or violent movies to heighten the sense of pain - not to say that the pain was 'mediocre', it clearly wasn't. But since I couldn't do anything to lessen it (or anything else to take my mind off it), I chose to intensify it - by mentioned choice of movies.

Some people might think now, I was a masochist, but I don't believe I am that. I think, this behaviour comes from an oversized wish of living life to the fullest at times, when I didn't have that opportunity. I am in the process of liberating myself, shedding the shackles and losing a number of burdens - in fact, I'm reinventing myself in a way. I might not be able to do so completely, as in that case I'd have to erase much of my memory and start over, making new experiences. But I guess it's safe to say, I have changed and keep changing my perspective on things. And eventually, I won't have to resort to strange behaviours of intensifying any given event any more, as the experience(s) in itsself/themselves will become .... more and more perfect. Keep your fingers x-ed for me.

To avoid misunderstandings: No, I'm not suicidal (not now, anyway :P). And this posting could as well be titled "I'm a professional hooker" - but I have to raise my price tag :P (and will :P :P). Nonetheless, that's an entirely different discussion. So: How's dying going to be degrading? Well, picture this: For most of our grown-up life, we fool ourselves into thinking, we control things. OK, based on the assumption that we DO think, we control our lives from that little preprocessor we call a mind (or reason, if you will), we got used to the notion of premeditating options before carrying them out. There's one huge evolutionary advantage to this fairly young daugther-processor. One of it is the plain fact that by premeditating options and not being forced into carrying them out, we can detect potentially fatal plans and actions - resulting in.... survival. So... by experiencing ourselves as being able to "control" our SURVIVAL, we tend to think, we can carry on with that concept forever - in fact having us believe, we are immortal, when in fact ... we aren't. Quite the contrary: At the advent of basic existential experiences, we will have to realize that simple physical and chemical processes is what actually controls our entire life-experience. One of those most basic experiences is .... aging. If you fast-forward that, you'll arrive at the conclusion that there is NOthing, repeat NOTHING, in our hands to a) reverse aging and b) stopping that process and its core result, which is .... death. Now, there are quite a number of causes for physical death, but they all lead to the same result: Our physical existence - AND our preprocessor - coming to a irreversible and final halt. And the "symptoms" accompanying that process... are nothing we'd seek proximity of during our life span. For instance: Shortness of breath, body temperature going down, heart-beat going irregularly first, then coming to a stop, resulting in a complete halt of blood circulation. The main point being: All of these "side effects" are OUTside of our control by the mind. For the first and last time, we are forced to experience that there is NOTHING we can do to stop or slow down that process. Which will have a tremendous effect on our ego in that we'll realize for the first time that our ego has nothing to do with our SELF.

I'll leave it at that for now. Take your time to ponder, while I take my time to sober up :P And ENJOY in the meantime LOL

Beach

I am currently travelling on business. I am in Binz on Ruegen, which is a famed health resort with quite some history. After having travelled to this place an entire day on an empty stomach, then meeting with the hotel director of a newly opened resort, I finally got to go for dinner at around 10 p.m. On the walk back to the hotel, it came to me like a tropical storm: I have been wasting most of my life on hanging around wanna-be's (not so much the past 3-5 years, but before that time). I have settled for their standards and failed to challenge myself according to MY standards or let's say: Standards I admire. This relates in large to my professional life and the fact that I have been going after things, which are NOT me, but someone else's dreams (now, who could THAT be?). In trying to please them, I totally - TOTALLY - denied me my own, genuine goals and life to begin with. I know, I sound dramatic and I couldn't blame anyone, if they didn't believe me. But in a nutshell: The first half of my life is a total waste - ALL of it, ALL OF IT! I have made a mockery of myself, betrayed myself and bottomline: Wasted my talents and energy on chasing ghosts. This is a devastating finding and I am getting all the more nervous over some new prospects, which I hope to be a lot closer to the REAL me - whoever that is, but which also will require a far greater effort than I've fooled myself into thinking so far. Actually.... I don't know myself at all and I've just begun to get a rough sense of who that could be. And in that context, I'm beginning to sense that making one's dreams come true requires dedication, perseverance and - luck!

I might not be making too much sense, but I am basically panicking over the finding that NONE of what I've been doing and living so far has ANYTHING to do with who I really I am, what I really need, feel, admire, strive for... you name it. Oh boy... In other words: Back to square one - at an age, when square 1 isn't really an option any more...

On the brighter and lighter side of things: I am hoping to be posting some pics of this place, which is a lovely one, if I didn't have to work ;-) And something else: I'm just now beginning to really see AND feel that all you guys out there visiting me are also for real - and believe it or not, before that, there was only one or two persons, I have had the pleasure to experience that with yet. So... this is good, but scary at the same time...
 

...degrees is what we saw today, wheatherwise. 85% is also the approximate amount of physical strength and well-being I'm back at. In that context: Thank you Sherry for continuously sending the healing vibes as well as Kenia for dedicating a regularly happening prayer session to me.

My health got considerably better with every day for the past few days and I could tell, how my body reclaimed strength and got functional again. I went for two short bike trips, but took it easy. I also went for a swim yesterday, but was careful not to swallow any water to avoid increasing the inflammation again. Today, I went for the checkup and I could tell the relief in the physician when seeing, how much I had improved. As a matter of fact, he even thinks I can do without the bigger surgery now, although he expressed his scepticism at the same time (well, I guess, conventional pyhsicians are just too caught up in that line of thinking, i.e. "it can't just get better without *me* doing anything" or something like that). In addition to the improvements in health, I am proud and relieved to say, that all this progress worked even without taking antibiotics or pain killers, as they would have considerably messed up my intestinal tract, which is a sensitive area and which I've been working on getting healthy for the past 3,5 years. My other doctor, who has been putting in a lot of effort in that regard had confirmed my fear of just annihilating all those accomplishments in one fell swoop, if I had taken antibiotics as well as painkillers. There wouldn't have been a way of doing a job I'm booked for by beginning of next week. So... you can imagine my despair last week and the amount of relief now! Again, thanks for sending the good thoughts my way.

On a totally different note: I was informed by the Managing Editor at Schmapp Guide a while ago that two of my images were selected for this year's edition. She now sent me another note, letting me know that those images will also appear in a special iPhone edition they just released. The images we're talking about are those two:

So, I'm now an "official" part of the iPhone ;-)

out-RAGE-d

Ugggh... Today, I allow myself some venting, come tomorrow, I'll put myself in "Good thoughts"-mode to support the healing process. I went for the checkup-appointment with the doc - and he wasn't satisfied with the progress. There is a major infection in the gland, it is still swollen, I got a prescription for antibiotics and I'm supposed to continue taking painkillers three times a day, as they are supposed to support the healing of the infection. However.... the doctors see only a dim chance for the gland to heal and if it didn't (and I'm using this tense here on purpose, as I don't intend to follow their line of thinking), they'd remove the gland AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE!!! But this puts me in a very, very bad situation and my situation is already ... well... "tight" is even to weak an expression for what it is (and on top of that, nobody told me, the operation might have to happen that soon). Bottomline: I am in dire need of work. So - I have an interview for a part-time job coming up, which I had to postpone once already, as the pain and limitations when speaking were simply too pronounced to be thinking of presenting myself to a potential employer, being all chipper and all. Now, I had to postpone the interview AGAIN, as the next checkup did collide with it. Second, I am booked for a pretty important writing assignment at the beginning of next month and I already made the booking of flight and train and my credit card will be charged accordingly. If I don't go, I won't see any refund, but the most important bit is, I really, REALLY can't afford to lose that job or rather the compensation I am expecting for it, nor can I afford to let the employer down, because this most likely would terminate that business liaison. Next - as if all of this wasn't stress enough - I have something lined up for me at the end of August, which might be the one big chance I have been waiting for in my professional life - with a major personal significance attached to it, not only in material terms, but also personal potential of becoming happy or at least a lot happier than presently. In order to be able to make the best of this opportunity, I have to be able to speak and use my voice, I might have to travel prior to those two dates and I can't afford to be hospitalized. And then... you still reading? .... the surgery, which is meant to remove the gland, bears the risk of a part of the facial nerve being impaired, at least temporarily, in some - albeit few - cases for good. That would result in my lower lip hanging down on one side..., which - you get the picture - would seriously limit my capacity of speaking clearly or doing other things with my voice, not to mention the cosmetic aspect of it. So... I can't afford this, no Sir!

But, hang on, it gets better: While I'm really racking my brain over how to make it through this current muck, my dad calls to tell me that he had to take my mother back to hospital. She fainted about two weeks ago, was immediately being hospitalized, they diagnosed a cardiac condition, took her to a different hospital, placed a cardiac catheter, which perforated a vene, which again caused interior bleeding. Emergency surgery, some more hospitalization, now back at home for a few days and - developping an anaphylactic shock from the medication she needed to take. I am now hearing, she already said these words when going to hospital: "Good-bye, I have been enjoying being with you and loving you for a lifetime". Who needs books or movies, when they can have THAT??!!!

I mean - c'mon - WTF? Has this family banked some bad karma I don't know of? This is outrageous! And why do all bad things always have to happen at the same time, making it so much harder to deal with - each of them taken individually is decent enough a challenge to tackle, the combined crap is just .... insane!

OK, like I said, I allowed myself some venting today, as I am so fucking pissed, I could break those doctors' faces right away for not having informed me more comprehensively about the timing of a follow-up surgery and for not taking better care of me immediately after surgery. And then all the rest happening at specifically THIS time - I am literally out of my mind with rage!

Tomorrow, I will pull myself together, as I have so many, countless times before, and I'll concentrate on things working out well for me - ALL of it: The recovery process, the interview, the job at the end of the month/beginning of next, and - most importantly - the prospect of making every dream come true by successfully managing those two ... appointments by the end of August. Wish me luck - I never needed it any harder than now! And in this context: Thanks Sherry... you know why.

Wow... the past two days were plain torture. Don't get me wrong: I ain't no pussy. I've known pain for quite a while with a host of conditions I'm suffering from, some more, some less pronounced. So, I'm no stranger to pain and I've learnt to accept it as a part of me, as a part of my life, actually. But this was different. I had forgotten, how demoralizing searing pain can be, how degrading actually, then also humbling, and mostly: Sobering and focussing the mind on the the very basic needs. While I currently choose to live alone and be single (and don't have a problem with that for most of the time), I must admit it would have been nicer to experience love and caring and compassion firsthand. Don't get me wrong: I am extremely grateful and quite moved over your support and replies to my blog posting - I really am! But at times like these, when any self-image you made for yourself collapses into insignificance, into a personal lie actually, when all the auto-affirmative thoughts you employ on a daily basis to stay functional just don't work any more, simply because the sensation of pain is ridding your mind of every other thought, when all the mental crutches I've managed to establish for myself to avoid freaking out constantly and to numb that unbearable inner scream that tears at the very core of my heart ALL THE FUCKING time, when all of these aids cease to play their part, because pain overrides them all and takes the stage - then you feel helpless, desperate, alone out in the dark with bloodhounds circling you and closing in on your vulnerable, maimed body and self. That's the very moment, when a soft voice or a gentle touch will do the trick and remind you of the prospect that all of this is just a passing phase, a temporary experience that will soon be forgotten, as if it had never happened in the first place. That touch or soothing voice will help you "fast forward" your view to the days following your current misery and the restoring of your equilibrium. That part I missed very clearly for the first time in a long time...

So... I'm all the more grateful now that I eventually do see some improvement today, much of the pain subsiding, me actually being able to have the first real meal in 3 days - AND enjoy it - and not have to dwell on thoughts of what I was missing any longer.

And again and truly: Thanks for all your support and concern and greetings and good wishes - thank you!

Hit from all sides

I am fortunate: It has been quite some time, since I remember having felt real pain. Today is one of those. By now, the pain has subsided a bit and the painkillers have kicked in. I went to get a little surgery performed on me today, which removed some blockage of my left salivary gland, which again is caused by a small stone. They cut the salivary duct open, hoping to be able to grab that little fucker, but it was too far in the back, so it didnd't come out. The surgery was performed under local anesthesia and the doctor told me, he was all the way back right into the salivary gland, but still couldn't get that stone to come loose (I was informerd of this prior to taking the surgery, so I was aware it might not yield a 100% result). In order to get there in the first place, he needed to cut his way to the "intersection" of the duct into the gland - or vice versa, whatever the medically correct description is.

I was brought into the operating theater at 2.20 pm and I remember the clock reading 3.05, when they removed the tissue that had been covering my face during surgery. I have had something done like that some 7 years ago, and I remember it to be far less stress- and painful - probably, since that stone was more to the front than this one. Anyway, when the anesthesia stopped working, I found myself in considerable pain, which I tried to beat with the pain killer and makeshift icepacks that I'm holding to  my face. And guess what: Of all days, today the phone rings with important business calls! Jesus Christ! I could have literally rotted away here in my appartment for at least some days, until someone would notice, but to-fucking-day they remember me? What the fuck!!

Well, given from the fact that I'm writing here and even found the strength to cuss, you can safely derive I'm a bit better by now. I even managed to eat a little soup for supper and keep it down (although it really hurts *every time* I swallow - never knew, you could get exhausted from eating ;-)). So anyways, I'm hoping for a quiet night and for most of the pain to be gone by tomorrow.

Hope, your evening was more enjoyable. ;-)

update: The night was the pits... if I had known, what I'd bring onto myself agreeing to this medical intrusion, I might have reconsidered... hoping, the worst is over.